Gratigram

It all started in 2013 when I accompanied my friend Corey from Louisville, Kentucky, to his new home in San Francisco, California, to help him relocate. One night, we went to a comedy club to see Adam Carolla do his stand-up routine. With humility and humor, Adam shared his story. He also mentioned his podcast, The Adam Carolla Show.

Back in Kentucky, I started listening to Adam’s podcast regularly. In one of his sessions, he said he didn’t celebrate his birthday because he felt that a birthday was life’s version of a participation trophy. That made me think about my birthday, which was coming up. I may have only participated in my birth, but my mother hadn’t; she had gone through childbirth. I decided to find a way to celebrate my mother on my birthday.

On December 30th, 2013, my 35th birthday, with the intention of both surprising my mom and making it public, I posted a message on her Facebook wall.

December 30th, 2013 – My 35th Birthday

Dear Mom,

I turned 35 today and this question has been floating around in my head the last few days: I’m all for celebrating with others, don’t get me wrong, but could there be a better way to celebrate my birthday?

If I’m being totally honest with you, I didn’t really do anything on December 30th, 35 years ago. I truly have no memory of it.

Now if you ask my mom, I’m sure she could tell you and convey a strong emotion with the events leading up to and including my birth. Is this day mine, really, to celebrate? Is living out another 365 days worth celebrating?

I’m not suggesting not celebrating the day of your birth, I’m suggesting that you celebrate your mom on your birthday. There are many reasons for this train of thought. Here are two: first, we have no memory or any true action on our part surrounding the event; second, as much as we enjoy receiving gratitude, giving true gratitude is a much healthier and fulfilling action.

I have no problem admitting that I’m selfish. I believe that there are selfish acts that a person can perform that are truly wonderful. When thanking someone, the giver is the one that benefits. I’d like to repeat that.

When being kind to another, the giver is the one that truly benefits. You can’t feel what the other person is feeling. What you feel is the vibe you get from how you make them feel.

Now I know that I’m not the first person to think of this. I just wanted to tell my mom that I love her, that I appreciate the pain, suffering, and self-sacrifice she has endured on my behalf not only on the day of my birth but also for the years that followed, that I am fully aware that I wasn’t always the easiest person to love, but she always made me feel loved. I just wanted to tell her all this on my birthday.

Mom, I pledge this coming year to tell you that I love you more often, and I will find more ways to let you know how special you are to me and make you prouder.

Love always,

Chris

That morning, my parents didn’t call as they normally did on my birthday. I couldn’t wait to find out my mother’s reaction to the message, so a couple hours later, I called my dad, who answered with a musical happy birthday. After a quick chat, I asked him if he knew whether or not Mom had seen the message I had posted. He said she had, “She was so moved by it that she needed time to process it all. She was speechless.”

My mom and I had always been close, so having made her speechless blew me away. I had adjusted the privacy setting of the Facebook post to public, so a large number of people commented on it and shared it. My appreciation for my mom on my birthday made a splash, and others were expressing their own appreciation for their loved ones. Gratitude breeds gratitude. At the time, I didn’t know that her cancer would come back and four months to the day later, on April 30th, take her away.

(Palmore, Chris. The Mechanics of Gratitude (pp. 13-16). Kindle Edition.)